Enter: new season.

Each time she pushed the thin gray layer of bangs back from her forehead, I was sure they were going to fall back in an asymmetrical lump above her eyes. But they didn’t. They sprang gently back to resting on her forehead in perfect spacing. And then I wondered how much younger she would look if she dyed her hair back to the way it was when she was 36. I never knew her when she was 36- I just met her a week ago- but still. Despite my give-her-a-makeover thoughts, I liked her.

The last Realtor we used was a real life version of ‘my cousin Vinny’ – but it was just apartment shopping. Each time we walked into another almost clean, shove the junk into the closet apartment, he always commented on the microwave. Always. if the apartment was okay but no microwave, we quickly learned that it wasn’t a good apartment. No microwave, no apartment.

But our agent with gray bangs is better for us. She looks at more things like signs of water damage or foundation cracks. She has never once mentioned a microwave. I’m comfortable with her. I’m glad we found a Realtor who we’re comfortable with. It’s not everyday you decide to enter a new season of life and having a good realtor is – good.

I can’t help but daydream: am I ready for this season? I am I really ready to give up my one winner takes all card that I hold close to my chest that reads: “I don’t like it here anymore, I’ll just leave.” I keep that card deep within me and call it out only when no one is looking. Getting a house means rooting myself here. Rooting here means burning my little mind card that offers me a run-away security option.

Maybe that’s growing up. Maybe throwing away the, “I’ll just go to the next thing if I don’t like it” card is what it’s like to be a real adult. The kind of adult where you just live by the adult rules, like you only like wine to drink and love the couples small group, which also serves as a social dinner club. And you want to be a mother. And you stop talking about things like changing the world and start talking about things like coordinating schedules.

So this is me, entering a new season, hoping that I can keep being me.

Squishy Thin

I’ve been quiet on this medium for a month but that doesn’t mean my head has been empty.

It’s been full.

I just spent the past days on a church high school retreat. Although, the description, “church high school retreat” doesn’t do what happened this weekend justice. There is something amazing about high school students.

I’m not even talking about the room, which was filled with 1000+ high school students worshiping, or the number of students who declared to follow Jesus, or the students who were courageous enough to pray out loud in a large group. I’m talking about the words that happen in conversations, the little moments where you see a student light up and ‘get it’, the text messaging update where something finally clicks.

God is big. Bigger. Bigger than I ever think. The winey Hanna that left on Friday came back a squishy emotional rocked by God Hanna on Sunday. I was tissue thin and aching with the ways that God was…. God.

Squishy Thin

I’ve been quiet on this medium for a month but that doesn’t mean my head has been empty.

It’s been full.

I just spent the past days on a church high school retreat. Although, the description, “church high school retreat” doesn’t do what happened this weekend justice. There is something amazing about high school students.

I’m not even talking about the room, which was filled with 1000+ high school students worshiping, or the number of students who declared to follow Jesus, or the students who were courageous enough to pray out loud in a large group. I’m talking about the words that happen in conversations, the little moments where you see a student light up and ‘get it’, the text messaging update where something finally clicks.

God is big. Bigger. Bigger than I ever think. The winey Hanna that left on Friday came back a squishy emotional rocked by God Hanna on Sunday. I was tissue thin and aching with the ways that God was…. God.

4 Year Old Life Lessons

A meal I never liked: Thanksgiving. In my life I can categorize the things that I do into two groups: 1. Things I have to do. 2. Things I like to do. Oversimplifying, maybe but it works for this blog post.

Thanksgiving is in the bucket of things I have to do. I don’t like to cook (although I pretend sometimes but it doesn’t last very long). I have a low tolerance for small talk and crowds of my family frightens the introvert in me. This year wasn’t so different from past years with the usual questions still surfacing: how’s work (this conversation always comes to a quick end), have you thought about having kids, and what dish did you bring (answer: none). I spent much of the night engaging just enough for the small chatter to continue without awkward moments while I observed my niece and nephews play hide and seek.
I was stuck by my 4-year-old niece who displayed a sense of confidence that shined brighter than the newly decorated Christmas tree flickering behind her. I wondered, if her sense of self worth was part of great parenting, part of being a 4 year old, or just part of her personality. I was in awe at her inner resolve to stand up to brothers, take a compliment with grace, and assertively ask for what she wanted.
I know she’s only 4 but, I wonder if there is a lesson here for adults. A lesson in self confidence, in being okay with ‘me’, in asking for what we want, and in taking a compliment with grace. Just sayin’.

4 Year Old Life Lessons

A meal I never liked: Thanksgiving. In my life I can categorize the things that I do into two groups: 1. Things I have to do. 2. Things I like to do. Oversimplifying, maybe but it works for this blog post.

Thanksgiving is in the bucket of things I have to do. I don’t like to cook (although I pretend sometimes but it doesn’t last very long). I have a low tolerance for small talk and crowds of my family frightens the introvert in me. This year wasn’t so different from past years with the usual questions still surfacing: how’s work (this conversation always comes to a quick end), have you thought about having kids, and what dish did you bring (answer: none). I spent much of the night engaging just enough for the small chatter to continue without awkward moments while I observed my niece and nephews play hide and seek.
I was stuck by my 4-year-old niece who displayed a sense of confidence that shined brighter than the newly decorated Christmas tree flickering behind her. I wondered, if her sense of self worth was part of great parenting, part of being a 4 year old, or just part of her personality. I was in awe at her inner resolve to stand up to brothers, take a compliment with grace, and assertively ask for what she wanted.
I know she’s only 4 but, I wonder if there is a lesson here for adults. A lesson in self confidence, in being okay with ‘me’, in asking for what we want, and in taking a compliment with grace. Just sayin’.

What Path Are You On?

The better part of my evening was spent window shopping online. I was too lazy to get up and get my credit card to part with my money. So the outcome was hours of thinking through my list of I wants (which is a little bit longer than it was before 5pm yesterday).

I know it’s the moral thing to do and fight the holiday consumerism that plagues Western culture but I like knowing what I want.

In my wannabe-blissful-with-not-knowing what I want in life, I’m able to define a few material things that make me smile. But still, I envy the 20-something that knows what she wants in life and is on a path to get it. Although, to be honest I’m probably on a path to somewhere. I just don’t know if it’s the right path. Is that where faith comes in?

Are you on a path to somewhere? Is it the one you want to be on? How do you know?

What Path Are You On?

The better part of my evening was spent window shopping online. I was too lazy to get up and get my credit card to part with my money. So the outcome was hours of thinking through my list of I wants (which is a little bit longer than it was before 5pm yesterday).

I know it’s the moral thing to do and fight the holiday consumerism that plagues Western culture but I like knowing what I want.

In my wannabe-blissful-with-not-knowing what I want in life, I’m able to define a few material things that make me smile. But still, I envy the 20-something that knows what she wants in life and is on a path to get it. Although, to be honest I’m probably on a path to somewhere. I just don’t know if it’s the right path. Is that where faith comes in?

Are you on a path to somewhere? Is it the one you want to be on? How do you know?