Walking into our first pediatrician appointment for Amelia on day three of her life was scary.  I had a diaper bag stuffed with free samples of who-knows-what, unopened wipes, and back up clothes that were two sizes too big for Amelia hanging on my shoulder.  I felt phoney.  I couldn’t even figure out how to adjust the shoulder strap on the bag so I was wearing it tight on my arm and stuffed up my armpit.  When the lady at the front desk asked the name and date of birth of my daughter I paused on the word ‘daughter’ and hoped she didn’t notice.  I have a daughter.

How did this happen with me feeling so under prepared for motherhood?  I spent more time worrying about what to pack in my hospital bag than what it would be like to be a mother of a daughter.

I guess I thought when the time came, I would just figure it out.  What I didn’t realize was how incredibly depleted I would be.  And how the lack of sleep and the toll of labor would impart permanent dark circles under my eyes and leave my mind in an even foggier haze than the 9 months leading to this point.  My world had been rocked by a 7lb 1oz person.  I was in love and confused and overwhelmed.

At the deepest most vulnerable level I felt (and feel) inadequate to be a mother. I’m only three weeks into being a mom and the title of mother is like wearing a underwear that is too small- or too big.  Either way I’m getting extra fabric bunching where it shouldn’t or I’m wondering if my crack is getting longer.  Some days I need more margin in my life to deal with a newborn and other days feel like I’m sagging.  

But regardless of my mood in the moment, I’ve come to hang onto a few truths.  In the (almost) three weeks of Amelia’s life, I’ve learned:

To remind myself (or a good friend reminds me) that I’m the mother of this baby on purpose- not by accident.  That, for some reason, God decided to put Amelia with Brandon and I.  And that makes me feel a little more confident.  

The goal of being a mother isn’t perfection, it’s being whole and teaching a little girl to live wholly.  

I’m still me and I can still do things that help me be me.  Today I baked banana bread and went on a walk.  Real life still happens. 

Being a mother is less about living up to my self-prescribed expectations and more about providing a safe place for Amelia to be Amelia.  

I’m allowed to have hard days.  And I’m allowed to cry when it’s hard.

I won’t have motherhood figured out by tomorrow.  Learning how to be Amelia’s mom will take time and patience.  

I have to be gentle with myself and rest. 

Oh- and the contents of the diaper bag are overrated- Amelia will survive regardless of how well I pack (or don’t pack) back up wipes.

Happy mother’s day to all the hot mommas out there!

This is Rena.  You can call her “Rena Beana” or “Renes Beans”–she responds well to fun-loving terms of endearment! Rena is a problem solver. She likes finding broken things and turning them into something pretty and useful. She’s an artist that way. She just had an incredible year of change. Parts of her life were not allowing Rena to be Rena- so she changed those parts. I respect that.  She’s fiercely independent and wonderfully creative. Recently her creativity has been coming out with the medium of food.  You can follow her show of creativity on instagram. And you can read about what’s she’s learned from turning into a foodie below. (I’ve been asking smart women to share their life stories- you can read about my intentions here.)

Within a five week period, I quit my job to become a freelancer, married the man of my dreams and moved to the biggest city in the U.S., New York City. It was a whirlwind of change and a dream come true! I was going to live in the Big City. I had dreams of going to museums, fancy restaurants, strolling the streets in fashion and being at coffee shops with celebrities, but those dreams haven’t come true. Instead, my world has been opened up to something I wasn’t expecting. 

Even with endless city life entertainment, something was off. When I started to do freelance work, my work hours started to recognize that my boundaries were starting to slip away. I started to work seven days a week including some nights. But that’s New York. Work Hard, Play Hard. BUT just because this is a lifestyle some live, its not the lifestyle I wanted to live.

I needed to do something that would bring joy back into my life and would allow me to be more intentional in my marriage. So, my husband and I started to cook dinner. Because of this simple change, we have not only learned about food, but we have learned so much about each other.

Here are 5 lessons we have learned from cooking dinner:

Simplify. We live in a culture where excess is normal. The more we have, the better off we are. Moving to New York changed that for us. Because we live in such a small space and have to walk to the grocery store, we have learned to simplify. We are only two people. We don’t need much. So now, we are leaning to cook less and/or use leftovers in creative ways.

Explore. We try making new foods together. I used to be extremely picky. I would hardly eat meat and a frozen dinner was my best friend. But now, because we are intentional about cooking dinner and trying new things. Whether it’s combining ingredients or trying a new vegetable, we are exploring new flavors and discovering new recipes.

Create. Dinnertime has become our place of creation. We use our plates as a canvas. We may not have time to paint, but since we make dinner, we spend time making it look awesome on the plate. There something fun and creative about serving a pretty plate that brings joy to our hearts. 

Boundaries. With our schedules, we could easily pass up dinner and grab things on the go. But David and I have been extremely intentional about eating dinner together. We make sure to shut down our work email and eat together. Its a now a routine, and a special time we spend together everyday. 

Dream. When we eat together, we dream together. We talk about what our lives will be like years down the road and all the “what if’s” you can imagine. Its been healthy. Because of our conversations, we have discovered fears, joys, hope and dreams that we never knew about each other. And even though the dream of “New York Life’ was not what we expected, it’s opened up our eyes to discover new dreams together.

I never expected dinner being something of significance, but because of the simple act of making dinner time intentional, we are healthier, we are more joyful, and our marriage has grown stronger.

This is Sue.  She is a unique mix of creative and organized.  She takes some of the most complicated direction I’ve ever seen and then she graphically designs it to be beautiful and intentional. (I’m eternally jealous of her graphic design skills.)  Sue also grows. Some people get stale and resist change. Sue isn’t one of those people- she leans into big challenges.  She rally’s and bolsters her soul and moves forward, even when things are hard.  I like that about her.  I wanted to know Sue’s thoughts on an event that happened to her last year: her mom passed away. (I’ve been asking friends to write thoughts. You can read my intentions here). Read on to learn more about Sue’s thoughts.

This summer I lost my mom to breast cancer. From the time we brought her to the ER for extreme pain in her hips to the day she passed away was a little over 3 weeks. We had no idea that she had stage-four cancer. It took the doctors 10 days to diagnosis her. They couldn’t determine where the cancer started because it had spread throughout her whole body. One day in the hospital as I sat next to her holding her hand she said to me, “What would I have done without you?” to which I replied, trying not to cry, “What will I do without you?” It has been the hardest season of my life to walk through…and I am still walking through it.  

My mom and I had a unique and special relationship. We literally lived together our whole lives (I’m 43, married and have 2 kids). When I got married over 11 years ago, my amazing husband knew that my mom was part of the package. It sounds weird, I know! But in many cultures outside of the United States it is normal to have your parents live with you. We have been blessed to have my mom be a part of our daily lives all of these years.

While our kids were off of school for Spring Break, we signed them up for a nature camp with their cousins so that my husband and I could go through my mom’s room and clean it out. We had left her room the way it was the day we took her to the ER in July. I’m not sure if 7 months is too long to wait to do that, but I’m learning that mourning the loss of a loved one is very personal and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I felt that it was the right time to tackle this sort of “Spring Cleaning.” It was a very draining week, but also a healing week. Not only did we completely clear out, clean and empty her room but I was also able to cleanse and refresh my soul.

This “Spring Cleaning” reminded me who my mom was, what was important to her and helped me answer my question of what I will do without her.

My mom saved EVERYTHING! I found every ticket stub from her grandchildren’s dance shows, piano recitals, school performances, as well as every drawing, card or craft they ever made her. She lived for and loved her grandchildren so much. She loved watching them excel in their talents and she supported and encouraged them to pursue their God-given gifts. I remember she did this with me as well growing up. She saw my interest in, and eye for, photography as a high school student and she bought me my first zoom lens. She loved to accompany me on many nature photo shoots. She didn’t understand what a graphic designer was as my chosen career, but she saved my first business card (that I actually found as a bookmark in one of her books). She was always so proud of all of us and was our number one cheerleader. I want to emulate her as I raise my kids, supporting and encouraging them to pursue and develop their God-given talents.

My mom loved to read. It was her passion and profession. She was our elementary school librarian. She would bring home old books that were being discarded and would rescue books from garage sales. She loved to read to my sister and me when we were little, and then to her grandchildren, fueling our love for books and reading. When she couldn’t get around easily the past few years, she would send me to the library with a list of favorite authors and I would delight in the look on her face as I lugged a huge bag of books into the house for her. Needless to say, she had a ton of books to go through. I found special treasures in a lot of these books (pressed leaves, family photos, little notes or cards, homemade bookmarks, etc.). I hope I can keep this love of reading and books going in our house.

Traditions and family were very important to my mom. She was 100% German and loved teaching us all of her favorite traditions, like celebrating St. Nicholas Day on Dec. 6th by putting our boots out to be filled with little treats. Or lighting Christmas German incense smokers, or counting down the days of Advent with her hand sewn felt Advent calendars. Food was an important part of her traditions. During our cleaning I found all of her recipe books. I am lucky to have watched and learned from her how to make a lot of her favorite German meals, and I am excited to teach them to my kids. On her birthday this past January, I decided to start a new tradition in her honor. I didn’t want her birthday to be filled with sadness (although, of course we miss her greatly). I wanted to celebrate who she is and was to us. So I made her favorite German meal (brats, red cabbage and dumplings) and picked up a small cake that said “Happy Birthday Oma.” Oma is the German word for Grandma and what we called her. At dinner we went around the table talking about the things we each loved doing with her, from building Legos together to painting nails, or playing board games and going to special tea outings. Making memories and keeping up traditions with family is something that I will gladly continue.

Spring-cleaning my mom’s room helped me resolve the unanswered question from the hospital 7 months ago. I am not truly without her. Living with her my whole life—she is just a part of me. We shared and experienced so much together. Her legacy continues through me, and what I am passing down to my kids. And as this Easter season approaches I am so thankful that I have hope and peace knowing that my mom is celebrating in heaven the power of resurrection with Jesus and that one day I will be living with her again…for eternity!

This is MJ (aka Em Jay).  I look up to her for a lot of reasons but epically for her integrity.  She’s a friend who I’ve been lucky enough to work with. She’s the kind of person I love being around- someone who gets stuff done, is smart in ways that I’m not, experienced but humble, professional yet filled with humor, and will address hard stuff when needed. She says wise things. And also laughs at herself when life gets the best of her.  She’s also, by far, the most efficient person I know.  I’ve been asking smart women to tell me about some of their life experience.  (You can read about my intentions here).  I asked MJ to write about what it’s like to care for her aging mother.

In our family, I got the “caretaking” gene. Since I was a preteen, I knew that I would be the one among my siblings to care for mom at some point in the distant future. So when mom moved in with us 5 years ago, it wasn’t completely unexpected. We have it a bit easier than some because even with dementia, my 93-year old mom can actually be alone for 3-4 hour stretches, which is a good thing since I have a full-time job. She’s perfectly content to color, do word find puzzles, glance at the television from time to time, or take a nap on the sofa. But she needs me to help her get showered and dressed, to make sure she gets her pills on time, to prepare her meals, etc.

Much like an expectant parent, you can anticipate how things will be, but you really don’t find out until you’re actually in the midst of it. I’m glad I can spend my mom’s final years with her, but I admit it can be a struggle at times and I’m learning a lot…

About Aging

Ok, let me just say it. It sucks. Memory loss, aches and pains, slowing down, and then slowing down even more, dependence on others for almost everything, and what seems like a million medications. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at my mom and wondered how I will handle being in her position some day. It’s more than a little scary to tell the truth. It’s at times like these that I remind myself how I want to be treated. I want to be treated with respect, dignity, and love. I’ve found that caring for mom has made me more empathetic towards older people everywhere I go, and for the people I see taking care of them.


About Patience

When you’ve answered the same question for the 100th time in just as many minutes, it wears on your patience. I was definitely NOT gifted with patience…but I remind myself that God has been so patient with me, and I am slowly learning to be more patient. It’s not easy, I often fail, but it’s a process…

About Humor
Having a sense of humor is probably the most important part of caretaking. When my mom asks me how old she is for the millionth time, I just tell her about her younger brother, Methuselah. And when she is so tired she can barely let me get her pajamas on, I say, “Off to bed with you and I don’t want to hear any arguments.” I like the idea that she is going to sleep with a smile on her face. But some of the best humor comes out of some of the stuff my mom says…she’s actually quite funny. (But I’m saving that material for my upcoming book.)

About Friendship

This is one of the hardest parts for me. I miss my friends. I miss meeting for dinner or drinks. I miss talking on the phone and catching up, I miss shopping… lunch with friends and coworkers… girlfriend stuff. But I’ve learned to make time where I can and to get really creative with my time. When you are caring for others, you need to look after yourself, and to replenish your soul, and for me that is time with friends.



About Family


Mike & Gram Selfie

Taking care of an elderly parent is hard on a family. It changes the dynamic, and forces you to create a new dynamic. My mom needs for things to be routine. It helps her to feel secure. I don’t understand the psychology behind it, but I’ve read enough and experienced enough to know that this is absolute truth. When things get off-kilter at home, her behavior changes. When her behavior changes, everything becomes more difficult for the rest of the family. So we strive for routine.

Mom has forgotten most of the last 50 years and at times is surprised that we have a “color” television. So my son Mike will have some fun with her, showing her how you can take a photo on a smartphone and immediately send it to family in Minnesota. Or, he will pull up videos of his band playing on the computer, and show them to her on the big screen television…leaving her wondering how he got on the television. My niece calls modern day electronics “weapons of mass confusion” for people like my mom. That’s true, but mom is amazed (over and over again) and all this “new” stuff. I was watching a video on my iPad the other day and she exclaimed, “Your book talks to you!?”

For the most part, Mike handles the fun part, but he sees the rest of it. Maybe he is learning some things for the future. He’s an only child so gene or not, he drew the caretaking stick.



About My Husband

Dane & His Supercool Mom-in-Law

I am married to a good man. While I get mom up and taken care of in the morning, and come home each day to have lunch with her—he comes home from work early each day and takes care of her needs. He gets her tea, he jokes with her, and he answers the questions that have been rolling around in her mind all afternoon. He helps here get up from her chair each evening for dinner, and sometimes dances with her on the way to the kitchen. He is sweet, kind and abounding in patience with his mother-in-law. He’s a keeper. 



About Myself

Like anyone in a similar situation, I struggle. I struggle with impatience, and then with the accompanying guilt.  I have bad days, where I revert to behavior that is more adolescent than 50-something. This usually happens when my soul is depleted (see above). But the good days outnumber the bad, and I have supportive family and friends. I’m a planner, a roll-up-your-sleeves-and-get-it-done kind of person, a multi-tasker….I admit, a Martha. But sometimes I need to be a Mary. It’s hard but I’m learning…

About God

A close friend once advised, “It’s time to go to a quiet place and cling to the Vine.” I try to remember this. I believe that these moments are here for exactly that reason–to point me back to God. Because it is there that I find forgiveness, it is there that I find peace, and it is there that I find complete and total acceptance. If I spend more time there, I will be equipped to be the daughter and caretaker that my mom deserves. And that’s what I want to be.

Reading back over what I wrote, it feels all over the place.
Because that’s how it is.
Struggles, laughter, difficulties and blessings.
That’s what it’s like to be a caretaker.
It covers a whole spectrum of emotions and moves from one to the other pretty quickly.
So I just hang on.
I love my mom.

This is Lori. Some friends provide a chance for you to observe their personal life at a close range.  Lori is one of those friends for me. She’s a vulnerable learner, has great style, isn’t afraid to ask questions, and she can be endearingly silly.  One of the things I admire most about Lori is the way she loves her daughters, Brenna and Cassidy.  She gives them space to be unique while still providing loving boundaries.  I watch her interact with Brenna and Cassidy and I make little deposits in my memory about how I want to be as a mother.  I’ve been asking my friends things (you can read about my intentions here).  And I asked Lori to share about some of the intentional ways she’s parented over the years.

Twenty-one years and 7 months ago on September 2, 1993, I became a mom.  The pregnancy was a surprise and I was not prepared…our marriage was not good…I felt like I was too young, I hadn’t lived enough and I didn’t want my life to change the way I knew a baby would make it change.  I was mad at God and stayed mad the entire pregnancy.  But then, I heard the words…”it’s a girl” and looked into these big, beautiful eyes staring back at me and I was captured, in love like I had never loved before.  This precious child…this incredible miracle…this gift from God, was my daughter, I was her mother. I felt unworthy, unqualified and still do in many ways. This divine appointment from God, to be the mom of Brenna Lynn and Cassidy Jean is the greatest gift, joy and catalyst for growth in my life.

Like all women, my journey of being a mom is shaped by so many things…my own upbringing, amazing women who share their journey with me, wise counsel and the culture of intentionality and giving your best to God that I have worked and worshiped in their whole lives.  Plus, I’ve tried to walk hand-in-hand with my Savior everyday.  Now that my baby just turned 19, it has been fun to look back and think of all the things I’ve tried to share with my girls.  Some I’ve taught and modeled better than others and some I still haven’t learned myself but have done my best to impart anyway.

Thanks to Steven Covey, I try to “begin with the end in mind” and as a young mom, I knew I wanted my daughters to trust me and I wanted to be a safe person in their life.  The last thing I wanted was for them to hide from me and take their life underground.  Like all parents, I didn’t want them to make some of the mistakes I did growing up.  So, as their mom, my main goal was to have an authentic and vulnerable relationship with my girls.  In addition to that, here are just a few of the things I wanted Brenna & Cassidy to know by the time they ventured out on their own…

God loves you & you are His treasured child –  Having a personal relationship with Jesus will center your life and give you direction and peace.  Let God be your True North.

You can always come to the big bed – (This was something we told our girls from the time they were little.  When they woke up in the middle of the night and were scared, they could run to the “big bed”.  If they were feeling sick, they could come to the big bed.  If they were sad…come snuggle in the big bed.  Just home from a date…come debrief in the big bed.  It was a metaphor for a safe place…a place where they were accepted, no matter what.)  You are loved and treasured.  You can talk about anything, you can cry, you can be completely yourself… Your parents are “for you”!  

Your sister is your most important friend – The members of your immediate family are the most important relationships you should have, so cultivate them.  You need to get those right first and then you can go out into the world and be in relationship with others.

Make smart, bad choices – You are going to make mistakes. Unfortunately, there’s no getting around it.  When you make bad choices…make smart bad choices, so you don’t derail your life.  When you do screw up remember…God’s mercies are new every morning…He forgives you, forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes and grow.

Go to college. 

Be kind…to yourself first of all…and to others.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength and love your neighbor as yourself.  Take care of yourself.  If you’re not well, you can’t fulfill your calling or help others.  There’s a reason you put your oxygen mask on first.

Be real – Always tell the truth – Be authentic and vulnerable.  It takes courage, but the rewards are worth it.  You will never doubt your friends or those who love you because they know the real you…  There’s peace there.  

Wear just enough makeup to enhance your natural beauty.  Don’t be fake.

Never tell anyone your mom’s real age…always say at least 5 yrs younger. 

Discover who God made you to be and pursue that with all your might – God gave you strengths….you don’t have to be good at everything and that’s ok.  Do your best, that’s all that matters. 

Give, Save, Spend – Be generous.  All you have is a gift from God…steward it well.  Save, so you never have to be in debt.  Don’t spend until you have it.  But when you have it, enjoy it!  It’s a gift!

When you see a spider in your house…kill it dead so it doesn’t end up in your bed.

Wise, Foolish, Evil – A lesson from Henry Cloud…there are three types of people.  Some are just out to hurt you, some are unaware and some are healthy & good.  You don’t have to treat all people the same way.  Learn to identify each one and treat them appropriately.  God said…wise as serpents, gentle as doves.  He doesn’t want you to be a doormat.  Respect others, respect yourself and expect respect be shown to you.

All people matter to God – no matter, what color, size, financial reality, smarts, political party, gender, etc…no matter how different they are from you – don’t stereotype, look at each person as an individual, recognize they have a backstory that you may not see, so believe the best until they prove you wrong. Even then show grace.

Leave a room better than you find it – pick up after yourself, do your dishes, etc… especially if you are a guest.  This also applies to when you borrow something from someone.  Return their car full of gas, return their sweater clean…

Don’t listen to the lies –  people and even the voices in your head may whisper discouraging, mean and untrue things about who you are.  Stay focused on what you know is the real truth!  

Say No – If it’s not what you truly want, or fits into your values, stand strong in what you believe is right for you and say no.  Protect your time, your body, your resources and your soul.  

Be grateful – even in struggles, there is so much to be thankful for.  Your situation could always be worse, so focus on the positive.  

Emotional health is a top priority – every relationship, every decision, everything you do will be better if you are emotionally healthy…it’s a journey, not a destination, so keep pursuing it!

You are strong and can handle any challenge that comes your way.  

Relationships are more important than things!  Life is short and you never know what the future holds.  Tell those you love how much they mean to you.  Don’t harbor bad feelings.  Don’t shove things under the rug or in the closet…Resolve your differences.  Forgive. Have fun.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Don’t forget who loves you – you will face challenges, you will hurt…in the end…always remember the wealth of people who love you…the God of the Universe, your mom, your dad, your sibs, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, teachers, coaches…the list is long because you are an amazing person!

I could keep going, but this is just a blog post, not a book 🙂  I have made many mistakes through the years, but I have genuinely given my best with what I had at the time.  My journey as a mom is not complete, and it definitely looks different these days.  I’m an empty-nester with Brenna and Cassidy in college and I marvel at the women they are and continue to become.  They are still a catalyst for my growth, they are my teachers and now my friends.  I couldn’t love them more!

This is Chrissie. She’s a fighter.  She’s a good listener, she’s the friend that friends go to when they need a safe person, she’s funny, she laughs easily, and she’s had a year full of the stuff life throws at a person.  I admire Chrissie’s independence and I wondered how the past months might have affected it.  I asked a few strong women to take some time and write out their thoughts (you can read about my intentions here). Below are the thoughts of a incredible warrior woman. 

I prefer anyone hilarious. Hanna is one of these people. I can’t look at a crockpot or hotdogs without thinking of her and smirking. She’s asked me to share a portion of my tour with cancer. She specifically named something about me that only something like cancer could so greatly soften—my independence.

My childhood bent me into a parental posture that has made asking for help or stopping for rest to be novel. Independence is too gracious a term. Stubborn shame is far more honest. This penchant for helping and being parental lends the back story of my chosen profession as well. I’m a therapist.

Just before cancer, I went through a year-long advanced certification program specific to trauma counseling. The success of this particular program lies in the design. The therapist students must immerse themselves in therapy aimed at their own trauma stories. Picture a therapy group made up of therapists who are all therapizing each other’s early childhood traumas. Sounds relaxing right? *deep sigh* Friends, it was hard. It was also very freeing and healing.

I learned that I am not so good at rest and not so good at the vulnerable art of receiving care. I feel okay when I’m productive and figuring it out on my own. My therapist friends helped me see how my body has held the tension and stubbornness and shame of it all. As my ability to slow and notice improved, my cortisol began to subside as is often the case when someone confusing motion with progress finally goes on vacation or retires. And, as often happens when cortisol subsides, I got sick. Esophageal spasms from acid reflux, appendicitis, etc. A few months later there was cancer.

God rarely reveals himself directly and He often invites people to communicate that He sees us, knows us, and hasn’t forgotten us. In the beginning, I wasn’t super interested in letting the world into my life as a cancer patient. I wanted to work, wear a fabulous wig and be as normal as possible when I wasn’t in bed or at the hospital.

Eventually, I went public.

The writing felt cathartic and purposeful and good. As I poured out the truth in words, my friend Cassie pasted the truth in photos. The blog was the battlefield where my community rallied. Their pursuit was staggering. I grew and there is proof! I began to keep a little list of small things I needed or wanted in case a friend were to text. This was considerable progress from the “Thanks, I’m good!” responses I would have previously sent. I began allowing a friend to clean our house every week while we were at small group. I even stopped cleaning before she came to clean. I know right?! I accepted a friend’s offer to provide me with free chiropractic care and another friend’s offer of personal training sessions. I asked for all kinds of things from food, gift cards and yard work to prayer, puzzles and barf bags. 

Today, thanks to my forced sabbatical, I am different.

I am not stress free or magically comfortable with people being in my home when it is a disaster. I am; however, more likely to receive care, ask for help, and give myself grace when I don’t. There is something about pain mixed with vulnerable community that right-sizes everything. I don’t wish pain on anyone but I do wish you great community when pain arrives.

This is Brittany. She’s my neighbor and friend. I’m lucky enough to live by people who I like. Here’s the short version of Brittany’s bio- she a driven Ironman (yep- she actually did two Ironman races!), an armature French bakery chef (if you meet her- try the chocolate souffle), and an honest grower (she’s doing the hard work of letting God shape her).  I asked her to reflect on 5 ways she’s grown this year (you can read my intentions here).  Below is her response.  How have you grown this year?  Happy growing!


The past 12 months have been a roller coaster. I have experienced more emotional highs and lows than in any other season of my life. There were many great moments of achievement, celebration, and success, but also so many tough moments of truth telling, conflict, and hard decisions. I think that I have changed a lot over the past year and some of it is the result of a lot of work on my part and some of the changes have shown me that even small victories matter.

1 I have started to like myself…with all my quirks. This change has started with a commitment to stop comparing myself to others. Someone else will always be prettier, thinner, kinder, funnier, or more successful than me. I have to stop comparing what I have, my job, my life, and even my marriage against what others have. Most of what we see is just surface anyway and we do not know the story behind their lives. I have started to walk into a room and just be myself. It is actually really fun. No more looking over my shoulder to check who is watching or who else is in the room. I am going to just showing up as myself because that is the best that I can bring.

2 I have started to say No when asked to do something that I really do not want to do. This has freed me up to do more of the things I want. A wise person told me that “No” is a complete sentence. Can you help do this? “No.” Can you volunteer at this? “No.” Can you just do one more thing? “No.” There are so many good things that I could spend my time doing, but they do not bring me joy. When I go for a run or a long bike ride on a beautiful sunny day, that makes me feel alive. When I have coffee with a trusted friend or cook dinner with the people I love most, then I feel happy and relaxed. When I show up to lead my small group of high school girls and see how they are growing and learning to trust God just a little more, then I know I am right where I should be.

3 I have slowly been letting people in and showing them the real me. This means sharing the parts of my story that I usually kept to myself. Letting them in to the details of my story that I was too scared to share before or that just felt too difficult or too vulnerable. In sharing the difficult things, these friends have loved me well. I have even asked them questions and gained perspective from listening to their stories. I have spent decades running from my story. Not anymore. This quote from Dr. Brene Brown is so true, “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it”. I am starting to own my story. It is mine. It has shaped me, but it does not define my future.

4 I am working on being brave. Doing hard things. Speaking up for myself. Call it what you want, but I am starting to take control of my life and do those things that I have been too scared to do before. Example, write a blog post. I read a lot. I love to read books, magazines, blogs, online articles, and the more I read, the more I want to write, but the thought of writing almost paralyzes me. FEAR. There it goes again holding me back. I do not have this figured out, but I know the feeling of doing that which used to scare me and now I feel empowered, capable, and strong.

5 I have grown in compassion and empathy because of experiencing my own hard things. I have experienced significant loss over the past year. Now, when other people share about their losses, whether it is a pet, a significant person in their life or a tough situation, I can listen well and look at them with a deep understanding in my eyes. It is tough. They will be missed. You will be sad. But tomorrow the sun will still come up and God will give you breath to experience both the sorrows and the joys of another day.

This is Michelle.  She’s my friend who thinks a lot, learns quickly, and processes with intentionality.  She’s unique because God gave her strength in boldness and wisdom in quietness.  The past few weeks I’ve been getting some insight from amazing women–you can read about my intentions here.  I asked Michelle to write an open letter to her young self.  Below is a charming loving letter to younger Michelle. If you’ve never written a letter to your younger self, I recommend taking time for that exercise.  It’s a good thing.  Peace homies.

Dear Younger Michelle, 
There are so many things I have learned (and that I am still learning) that I want to share with you to speak into different stages and areas of your life – from love, relationships, and friendships, to passions, dreams and desires, to trust and respect, and most importantly, faith.

• First of all: be kind to yourself. You are SO worthy of love and respect. You are a treasured child of our most high God! You are worthy and have great value and your identity lies in Christ – NOT in what others say or think about you.  You have a lot of offer.  He thinks you are valuable and amazing – a beautiful person that will grow to have great character and integrity.  It’s ok and cool to believe in Jesus, to love Jesus and it’s ok to pray out loud!  Read the Bible.  Listen and learn His voice for He will guide and direct you.  He loves you; He is your best friend and He is with you wherever you go – especially during the hard, dark, scary and awful times.   

• Second don’t be in a rush to grow up – there will be plenty of time to do that.  There will be very tough hard times – but you will come through it, you will learn from it, and you will come out stronger.  It’s ok and really good to cry – it is healing and brave.  Be strong and yet vulnerable and transparent.  That takes courage!  When I was young I thought I had to be one type of person in public and another in my private life –yet both lives felt like a performance.  I thought if others saw the real me, my faults, my fears, my insecurities, my mistakes, my big ugly hairy warts they would run the other way.  Know that there is great value in being real.  When you are true and genuine and honest and authentic it opens up the door for long lasting, deep, and caring friendships. They will love you despite your flaws.   

• Pray for WISDOM!  Pain and suffering will happen in life but God uses our sufferings for His eternal glory (Romans 8:17) and our sufferings enhance our eventual joy for our future glory in heaven.  There is a purpose and usefulness in our suffering – learn and grow from it.  You are not alone. When you struggle with something, and it feels as though we are the only one facing a particular difficulty, know that others have had their battles and come through the other side. It is immensely consoling. Please know that those people who hurt you, they do it because they, too, are suffering. It’s not your fault. They hurt others because they are hurting.  It’s okay to say “no” especially when you know you’re in a bad situation.

• Trust your gut, instincts, morals and values – make wise choices!   

• Learn to forgive, say you’re sorry and I love you.

• What matters most is to love God and love others!  Serve – always serve! Realize that there is a large world out there – beyond you and your backyard.  Travel, study abroad, intern, and go on mission trips.  Pay attention to what is interesting to you and write it down to refer back to when you are an adult and trying to find your passions and desires again.  As long as you are serving God and following His will, He will use you whatever decision you make to lead you in the right direction.  Know that change will happen and that it is good and ok.

• Welcome change!  Please know that you will be constantly changing and growing your entire life.  You will be a different person today than you were yesterday.  You will be changing to be more like Christ each and every day.

• Never stop dreaming!  Also, it’s okay to change your mind about what you want to do. Keep trying new things until you find what fits. Don’t be afraid to try!  

• Study hard, go to college and beyond – it does matter.  Get involved, volunteer, read, read, and read!  

• Relationships and people matter!  Surround yourself with great people and friends.  Encourage others. Be honest, kind and compassionate, candid and respectful.  Tell the truth especially when it’s hard!  Be smart, speak up, and open up to people who care about you.  

• Be a good friend and learn to listen well.  Listening is an act of love.  God gave you two ears and one mouth – so you can listen twice as much as you can speak.  It will take a long time for you to fully trust others, but someone will come along who will show you how to love.  

• Don’t be afraid to love deeply and fully.  Fall in love, get married and have kids – even though you might not feel like it.  It is the closest thing to feeling unconditional love – then you can only imagine how much more Jesus loves you!

• Seek help, counselors, mentors, and wise advice – always!  

• Seek Joy! 🙂 

• Laugh loudly and don’t take yourself too seriously –have fun!  Don’t waste the gifts God gave you – get out there!

• You are loved beyond your wildest imagination.  Be strong and courageous!  You only have one life, this is not a dress rehearsal – so live it well – live it fully – live it for the glory of God!

Love,
Older Michelle

This is Megan. She researches things for a living.  She’s strategic and kind–and likes to ask good questions.  When I met Megan I was quickly drawn to her ideas and quiet way of influencing the world around her.  As part of my own journey, I asked a few women to share their thoughts on my blog (you can read about my intentions here).  There are times that I feel like a little girl in a grown woman’s body and it throws me off– like when I have to fix the dishwasher that leaked all over my floor, or get the oil changed in my car, or own my mistakes (eeek!).  So anyways, I asked Megan how she knew when she was grown up.  Her thoughtful response is below 🙂

In survey research, there are a variety of criteria that are commonly used to define someone as an “adult”: turning 18 years old, financial stability, living independently, having a child, and emotional maturity, among others. However, the funny thing about the concept of adulthood is that there can often be a difference between being an adult and feeling like an adult. When do we really become “all grown up”? And perhaps more importantly, when do we feel that we’re all grown up?

Looking at my own life, I know (objectively) that I am “grown up”— I am living independently of my parents and have a life that is uniquely of my own creation. However, I definitely still have a hard time thinking of myself as an adult; the label feels slightly clunky, like trying on a pair of jeans that are a bit too big. I think this is in part because as a child, the idea of being “grown up” was always projected to some point in the future that was always ambiguous and never well-defined. Additionally, for many of my fellow Millennials the journey to becoming grown up looks more like a gradual ramp, instead of the diving board method of previous generations.

Although there’s a lot of gray area in how I understand my own adulthood, the summer after my junior year of college was definitely a turning point in my maturity. I had accepted an internship with the company I now have a full-time role with, and that began a domino effect of factors that pulled me deeper into the waters of adulthood. The preparation for the summer was growing in and of itself: I bought my first car, learned how to drive it in a week (it’s a manual), applied for funding, and found a place to live. When I finally arrived in Ventura, the challenges kept coming. I knew no one and had never worked full-time before, so I quickly had to learn how to build a community, cook, and budget my finite resources.

That summer in particular was a growing one for me primarily because it helped me to acclimate to the real responsibilities of being an adult. But there’s another part of being an adult that I think is much more difficult to grow into: becoming the person that God has called me to be. Anyone can learn to pay bills, buy groceries, and navigate a new city, but it is much more difficult to identify and use your gifts in ways that honor yourself and others.

Over the last three years I’ve been learning more about my passion for the intersection of sociological research, Christianity, gender, and feminism. Although it has taken a while to articulate clearly what drives me personally and professionally, it’s been even more difficult to figure out how to practically pursue it. Even harder still is learning how to trust my personal capacity to grow and lead others with my unique gifting. I believe part of the difficulty is innate to being human, but another significant influence is how women are often socialized to doubt their abilities.

In my own struggle to fight this internal doubt, the greatest weapon in my arsenal has been other women who have helped me to dream bigger dreams for myself. Their encouragement, support, and affirmation have been foundational to my personal growth, and that has given me a new capacity to encourage, support and affirm myself as well. Although these changes have coincided with maturity of age and new life seasons, I can’t simply call it “becoming an adult” or even “growing up”. This is “growing in”. “Growing in” is this process of peeling off fear and insecurity as I seek to more fully embody my unique giftings and vocational call. “Growing in” also requires that I actively embrace empathy and vulnerability as I invite others into my story and discernment.

So even though I know that I’m already an adult and I’ve already done a lot of growing up, I look forward to “growing in” as a lifelong adventure of challenge and triumph beyond my wildest imagination.