Verbal Clones

I could be part of the problem. One of my all time favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou:

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

I subscribe to that ideal but lately, not so much. I’ve been consumed by cynicism (sarcasm’s evil twin).

In a meeting today it was so clear- I’ve been verbally cloning negative comments I’ve picked up around the office. Each clone is less intelligent than the previous one- so I’ve actually been perpetuating stupid.

If I really believe that I am a change agent then the narrative I’m telling should be a more compelling story. A better story.

New chapter- change for good. Don’t clone.

Screaming Inside

My parents used to remind me to use my inside voice when I would yell or talk too loud in the house. I think this is a common phrase for kids.

Now as an adult, I’ve experienced my insides actually screaming at me. On Wednesday the trip to the Emergency Room was…. scary. My insides felt twisted into a tight unbreathable knot–the kind of knot that boy scouts learn how to tie so that it will never come undone. Hunched over for most of the day, my stubborn side lost and I finally gave in to Brandon’s suggestion for the ER.
I’ve never felt pain like this.
The constant inside in depth pain intensified. As the doctor pushed on my belly I felt the slow wet drop fall down my cheek, pain that I couldn’t keep away from my tears.
Still scared.
I thought the doctors, the tests, and the 6 long hours in the ER would have provided me with a problem identified. Too bad it didn’t because I’m still worried. Although the strength of the pain has subsided, a reminder pang still has a grip on my inside.
I’m not dying, anymore than anyone else, but I can’t help but wonder- did stress cause this?

Screaming Inside

My parents used to remind me to use my inside voice when I would yell or talk too loud in the house. I think this is a common phrase for kids.


Now as an adult, I’ve experienced my insides actually screaming at me. On Wednesday the trip to the Emergency Room was…. scary. My insides felt twisted into a tight unbreathable knot–the kind of knot that boy scouts learn how to tie so that it will never come undone. Hunched over for most of the day, my stubborn side lost and I finally gave in to Brandon’s suggestion for the ER.

I’ve never felt pain like this.

The constant inside in depth pain intensified. As the doctor pushed on my belly I felt the slow wet drop fall down my cheek, pain that I couldn’t keep away from my tears.

Still scared.

I thought the doctors, the tests, and the 6 long hours in the ER would have provided me with a problem identified. Too bad it didn’t because I’m still worried. Although the strength of the pain has subsided, a reminder pang still has a grip on my inside.

I’m not dying, anymore than anyone else, but I can’t help but wonder- did stress cause this?

Psychology of Change

On my way home today I received a $50 ticket. The police officer was nice and even told me the steps I will need to take to get out of the ticket since it was a ‘minor’ offense- not having an Illinois license. To get out of the ticket I will need to go to the BMV (shoot me now), get an Illinois license, go to court (shoot me again), and detest the ticket at court.

Besides defining ways to get out of a ticket, I am writing because I noticed an interesting psychology happening within me as I considered making the change to an Illinois license. Women who are in abusive relationships often stay with the abuser because staying, despite the abuse, is ‘safer’ and less scary than actually taking the risk to leave. Does change only happen when staying in current reality (paying the $50) is more difficult than the change (going to BMV and updating license)?

How does this theory work when played out within life decisions? Did I only take my current job because my previous job was so painful and it made a new job look like The Emerald City? If I only had a brain. Does a person base all of their decisions on pain and level of difficulty?

When it comes to leadership and change, a key element is streaming a better new reality to allow people to buy into for change. Change that works takes A LOT of vision. Can I change without a vision of where I want to go? Does the psychology of change completely dictate weather or not change will actually take place?

Human nature is comfort. Change isn’t.

PS- Still haven’t decided whether or not to pay the fine or go to the BMV. That’s a tough one.

Psychology of Change

On my way home today I received a $50 ticket. The police officer was nice and even told me the steps I will need to take to get out of the ticket since it was a ‘minor’ offense- not having an Illinois license. To get out of the ticket I will need to go to the BMV (shoot me now), get an Illinois license, go to court (shoot me again), and detest the ticket at court.

Besides defining ways to get out of a ticket, I am writing because I noticed an interesting psychology happening within me as I considered making the change to an Illinois license. Women who are in abusive relationships often stay with the abuser because staying, despite the abuse, is ‘safer’ and less scary than actually taking the risk to leave. Does change only happen when staying in current reality (paying the $50) is more difficult than the change (going to BMV and updating license)?

How does this theory work when played out within life decisions? Did I only take my current job because my previous job was so painful and it made a new job look like The Emerald City? If I only had a brain. Does a person base all of their decisions on pain and level of difficulty?

When it comes to leadership and change, a key element is streaming a better new reality to allow people to buy into for change. Change that works takes A LOT of vision. Can I change without a vision of where I want to go? Does the psychology of change completely dictate weather or not change will actually take place?

Human nature is comfort. Change isn’t.

PS- Still haven’t decided whether or not to pay the fine or go to the BMV. That’s a tough one.

Made for a Time


According to a recent tweet by @ChristineCaine: Odds of being born in a particular time, place, and circumstance are about 1 in 400,000,000,000.
That stat takes the Esther 4:14 to another level of intensity: … Who knows? Maybe you were made queen for just such a time as this. (from the Message)
I can’t help but wonder am I really made for such a time as this? It certainly romanticizes my situation although I have trouble fully investing my belief in it.
Would things really look different if we acted out of purpose of living rather than drifting through life? Am I living the life that God intended for me? Probably not. I’m not cherishing the decisions I make as 1 out of 400,000,000,000 moments.
So at a very basic level, what needs to change in me so that I can see that perhaps I was made for such as time as this?

Made for a Time


According to a recent tweet by @ChristineCaine: Odds of being born in a particular time, place, and circumstance are about 1 in 400,000,000,000.

That stat takes the Esther 4:14 to another level of intensity: … Who knows? Maybe you were made queen for just such a time as this. (from the Message)

I can’t help but wonder am I really made for such a time as this? It certainly romanticizes my situation although I have trouble fully investing my belief in it.

Would things really look different if we acted out of purpose of living rather than drifting through life? Am I living the life that God intended for me? Probably not. I’m not cherishing the decisions I make as 1 out of 400,000,000,000 moments.

So at a very basic level, what needs to change in me so that I can see that perhaps I was made for such as time as this?

Turning Point


Tonight marks the turning point. Long hours and lack of boundaries have filled personal time and encourage me to become the person I don’t want to be. The path I’m on equals the path to self depletion. A busy season has stretched into busy months. I. can’t. keep. up.

The war stories of those who have gone before me serve as warning signs: dead end ahead. I feel the thinness of the raw emotion that sits just below the surface waiting to tear open and burst into an ugly mess.
It took a hard week, a few slaps in the face, some good friends, and gentle nudges (some not so gentle) to remind me life is bigger than work. So like any problem I solve, I’ll envision where I want to go, define where I am, and figure out how to get there. Who I am is okay and I don’t have to prove that to anyone, even myself.

Turning Point


Tonight marks the turning point. Long hours and lack of boundaries have filled personal time and encourage me to become the person I don’t want to be. The path I’m on equals the path to self depletion. A busy season has stretched into busy months. I. can’t. keep. up.


The war stories of those who have gone before me serve as warning signs: dead end ahead. I feel the thinness of the raw emotion that sits just below the surface waiting to tear open and burst into an ugly mess.

It took a hard week, a few slaps in the face, some good friends, and gentle nudges (some not so gentle) to remind me life is bigger than work. So like any problem I solve, I’ll envision where I want to go, define where I am, and figure out how to get there. Who I am is okay and I don’t have to prove that to anyone, even myself.

Oversimplified Mess

Even my dinners have become an oversimplified mess. Macaroni and cheese dramatically improved my dinner from the usual bag of popcorn- 1 min. 45 sec. and wah-la dinner is served. Thanks blue box of cheesy processed noodles.

Food cravings aside, I’m tired. I just need to write it. Tired.
I simply can’t differentiate between what it means to grow verses what it means to be in over your head. At what cost am I growing?
When will the glass ball that is life shatter because I can’t juggle it anymore?
When did juggling become so hard…so draining… so never-ending?